That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
