fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
