Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
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