Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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