I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
