Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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