My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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