I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
