...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
