i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
