guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
