Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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