I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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