News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
