I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
