he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
