What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
