I cockslap morals
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I'm really busy with my period
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