i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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