the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
