i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
