I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I wear drunk well.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
