What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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