uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
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