People in love make me want to vomit
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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