mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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