There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize