my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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