Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Success! We fucked roommates!
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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