i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
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