i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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