I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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