I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
