Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Randomize
