i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
