like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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