"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
