I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
We were destined to go to rehab together
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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