I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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