I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
