so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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