How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
