The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Randomize
