im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
