Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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