Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
