you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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