he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
