I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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