Who wears a wallet chain?!
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
