Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
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