saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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