It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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