Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize