god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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