her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
