New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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