Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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