Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
