We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
