dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
