I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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